RandysRants

ZOUPWERKS COMMENTARY

Is your Chamber of Commerce obsolete?

In the old days local Chambers were places to advertise and promote your local business.   Somehow being a
member and paying your $300 yearly fee would put you among the local elite and raise the credibility of your
company.

But as in the local Chamber of Commerce most local businesses are not members as well as the "bigger and
more important" local businesses.

Why?

A big picture analysis shows that the concept of "local" has changed.   Technology and specifically search
technology has opened the world to the local consumer with more than just local options.

In the old days one did business with those that one knew or knew of locally; now the local consumer can do
business with any company they find searching the Internet.
The "Buy Local" programs have simply become obsolete as the concept of local has lost its meaning.

The inference once was that local consumers were looking for businesses and a good way to find reliable
businesses was through the local Chamber of Commerce member list.   Actually this idea died in the 1970's and
1980's and was in reality not a member benefit by 2000.

In the past a new business would join the Chamber hoping to gain local exposure and maybe get some extra
business.   The badly maligned Chamber Mixers would help serve this function.

New Chamber members were told to bring their "pitches" and stack of business cards and hand them out at the
mixers.   So in effect the Chamber mixer became a big "let's sell to ourselves" exercise, as rarely do non-
Chamber members attend the mixers.

Local collective ads were once another way the local Chamber could promote its members; through brochures,
local newspaper and magazine ads, an occasional TV or radio spot.   As mass media has gotten more
expensive, the collective ads have gone by the wayside.

And like many organizations, the local Chambers of Commerce have been hit hard financially in the recent
economic downturn.   As their cash flows have diminished, the Chambers' ability to hire and retain good staff
had diminished as well.

Hence, all the ubiquitous job postings for Chamber Executive Directors.   Part of the "executive package" is that
the executive director must raise money to pay for number one.

This means that the primary function of the executive director is not promoting local business but raising
enough money to keep the Chamber above water.

The biggest complaint today is that the Chamber does little or nothing for its members so it has become harder
and harder to justify the time and $300 fee. The first question a new Chamber prospect asks is 'what is in it for
my business?'

If the expectation is increased business, as many new Chamber members hope, then the expectation turns to
disappointment over a relatively brief period of time. You are promised a spot in the binder directory when it
goes to print again. For Zoupwerks, this date was February 2010. Yes…2010. It would be almost a full 16 months
from handing the first check over, to actually seeing the business name in the directory!! This was made clear
mind you…about 15 seconds AFTER the paperwork was signed and the check was handed over. By the time the
business name were to be included in the directory, they will already have been asking for the second year’s
membership check! This is how out of touch and outdated an institution this chamber concept is. They will have
the business member believe that it actually takes 16 months of waiting time for preparation of a single
directory. Funny how the court system seems to have a volume of new information funneling through their
system on a daily basis that exceeds the chamber’s entire stable information tenfold…and yet they can get out
to the public , all of it on a daily, weekly, and monthly basis! But the scary important chamber needs 16 months
to print the names of business that have given them checks. This apathetic attitude is married with an
unwillingness to spend any money for relevant distribution of information in a manner consistent with the
generation of which they live. In other words, it’s not about business(s) per se, but about revenue for securing
paychecks for a floundering concept.

Communities need a strong business community to thrive and communities with a weak business community
have problems.

The simple fact is that the local Chambers of Commerce are delivering less and less value to their members.
Unless the local Chambers are able to redefine their mission and find ways to bring greater value, the Chambers
will simply go the obsolete route of newspaper advertising.

Not a day went by for a week that the Chamber “CEO” did not call or physically come to the shop looking for that
$300 check. As soon as he got it…POOF! Until the laughably inept ribbon cutting “ceremony”.Yes…that is what
Zoupwerks received for the $300 investment last November. A rushed and extremely simplistic ribbon cutting
“ceremony” photo session in which the town officers of Champion were not even notified, therefore could not
attend. It was as though Zoupwerks was nothing more than a “let’s get this over with” photo-op. Zoupwerks
received 6 photos in the website email at the end of it all. Oh, and a plastic membership plaque.

Now, the chamber claims it has received a complaint regarding an off color email reply to a supposed other
chamber member that used the Zoupwerks email to spam or solicit some lame and largely forgettable service
or concept. For this, the chamber has stated in a half page explanation via snail mail, that the Zoupwerks
membership has been revoked. Nobody at Zoupwerks were ever contacted prior to this decision from anyone at
the chamber. After only 3 months and based on heresay, Zoupwerks “membership” is revoked. Also, if I wish to
state my case ,after what they have already concluded and acted upon without so much as a notification to
us…that I may set up an appointment. The chamber obviously thinks that I consider being a member significant
enough to dredge myself down to the depths of lameness by attending an appointment to present my
explanation. I notified them by phone that this will never happen in my or anyone else’s lifetime for a magnitude
of reasons and that I simply wish to get my membership fee returned. They are welcomed to take back with
them their 5 inch high special plastic plaque when they deliver my refund.

R.J. Durant

Time Warner Cable-The Absolute Worst??

This rant comes hot off the heels of Time Warner once again, testing the patience of this customer. Being bilked
monthly out of hard earned money, for perhaps the most pathetic utility type service on the planet should come
to an abrupt halt.

Now the purpose of this screed is not necessarily to squawk about how bad Time Warner Cable sucks… be it
the transmissions or the equipment. That would be moot. Everyone that has the bills arriving to their mailbox
each month are completely aware of the despicable service Time Warner provides to it’s customers on a daily
basis i.e. dropped audio, lost picture, distorted picture, green screen, or the always delightful powering down.
On almost a daily basis, mind you.

Customer service? What is that? At Time Warner Cable, this novel concept simply means dialing into some
human cubicle assembly line in Cleveland to sit on hold for at least 50 minutes to an hour and a half to plead
your case to some minimum wage, apathetic, jaded script reading flunky on the other end. By the time one of
these entry level over-achievers gets done with you..the original frustration will then have morphed into an
almost blind fury.

But I digress. Never mind that audio has no digital stream that works across all channels, colors bloom on some
and off on others, programming stated as HD is just 480i upscaled, pixilation is way too much, and that I have
spent more time this past month sitting blankly through reboots ,than I have making Clam Friggin” Chowdah.
Never mind that the bill never reflects a discount of any sort for all of the aggravation and never seen endings to
programs that the system aborted. Never mind that in this age of technology, it literally takes almost 15 minutes
for your tv to produce a single televised picture frame after rebooting the cable box.

What I am more concerned with is the general disregard by Time Warner for the customer and how it is
possible that they continue to ignore the magnitude of quality care issues, collect payments every month, and
relentlessly continue to put forth a low quality service. How is it not a violation of standards in commerce to bill
subscribers for intermittent and low quality service?

The service for the music feed at Zoupwerks is equally abysmal. Maria, the sales liar for our Time Warner
service at Zoupwerks, conveniently became unavailable after the contract was signed and the check deposited.
She was less than helpful in any of our consistent issues with poor quality broadcasting of the music channels
and the wireless internet issues we still have to this day at Zoupwerks.

Readers and Zoupheads, I ask you as your humble and chief Chowdahead..is this all indicative of monopoly
reliability being nothing more than an oxymoron? Is Direct TV any better? Is switching to Direct TV nothing more
than a meaningless gesture of protest?

I do not know the answers to those questions, nor do I harbor an understanding as to how this company
continues to provide inadequate service and fraudulent testimonials/descriptions of customer satisfaction
without any sign of repercussions.

What I do know however, is that I genuinely care what my customers think of my product and service at
Zoupwerks and that if the Time Warner CEO wants a refresher course on how equally important it is as a
human being to collect a smile along with the payment for services rendered…that the Zoupwerks door is
always open. From 11 to 7. Monday through Saturday. Except if I am in Jamaica…again.

R. J. Durant

The Brady Rule.
This is more than Tom Brady, the quarterback for my beloved New England Patriots. Bear
in mind that although I missed watching this genius at the offensive helm all last season,
the hit that he suffered which sidelined him was a clean and legal one. I considered it a
risk that one assumes for electing to make a living in such a physical and often dangerous
sport. So did every other well thought out football enthusiast.

This is however, about a trend in the country. The trend of dumbing traditional things
down into oblivion.

The latest is the new rule launched by the NFL known as “The Brady Rule”, whereas if you
are a defender making a legal move towards a QB and you go down to the turf, you cannot
make a second lunge towards the QB below the knee. However, I have yet to see a 250
lb+ defensive lineman propel himself from a ground hugging horizontal position.. 5 feet in
the air to tackle a passer above the waist in a second effort ditch to impede that
quarterback’s possible play completion. In other words, the rule does nothing but take
away yet another liberty from a defender. The league will have you believe that it is logical
to adopt the idea that now; a defender must first rise from the turf and stand to proceed in
a defensive play against a quarterback. The ridiculous notion that any QB would stand still
with a ball for that long for you to get back to him is almost insulting.

The league was founded on dirt and mud, blood and sweat, and strength and agility. Many
records and personal bests were founded on the original rules and guidelines. If the
wussification of America keeps growing the way it is, we may as well just affix flat red
strips to each hip of the QB and penalize defenders for menacing glares. But,
wussification is only a part of the problem. The other part is selfish greed and capitalism
amongst the owners implementing this new rule to protect their interests in their golden
boys. The arrogance of these elitist owners to grandstand the Brady hit and spin it into a
new way to keep the idols on the field in order to continue selling tickets and broadcast
ads is perplexing yes, but confounds me as well. How are they able to sit together at huge
mahogany tables and rewrite the rules of an American tradition under the thinly veiled
guise of protecting the quarterback? Who allows this to happen? How do they all get to
uniformly vote on changing decades old rules of which all records were set and games
decided by?

As Golic said while expressing his own dismay on Mike and Mike this morning…”You cant
even brush a QB’s helmet with your helmet as it is without drawing a flag!”
Now with this rule passed, getting to perform your job as a defender has become all that
much harder, whilst padding your stats as a QB has become all that much easier.
Look for a lot more first and fifteens this season, with bewildered defenders staring in
disbelief. This is the year of the quarterbacks in the NFL. It should be tag lined this,
The NFL 2009-Everything But The Tutus!

R.J. Durant

What are words for? So no one questions anymore.

The application by spin doctors, White House wordsmiths, and bleeding heart media
outlets of soft language and euphemisms should now be regulated, officially. I have
endured all that I can from over protection of Americans and their delicate sensitivities. I
don’t enjoy an administration subtly trying to separate people from strong feelings that
they may have about particular issues by removal from topical vernacular…phrases and
words that may continue to call attention to them. It is disgusting the way that truth
deflection has become a political art form.
It all started taking a real serious turn for the worst with the greatest and most obvious
culprit: W. Remember when he was giving press conferences almost on a daily basis
“condemning the acts of September 11th” ? Stating also the U.S. will diligently move
forward to “apprehend those individuals responsible and bring them to justice”.
Remember after a week of these dumbing down monologues, how you wanted to throw
the nearest damage causing object through the tv or radio? How he avoided any type of
anger fueled declaration to this day still amazes me. Yeah,yeah…I get the whole premise
of the Commander-in-Chief having to maintain in crisis situations in order to prevent
chaos and so forth, but please…just once didn’t you want to hear someone in charge
sound off like they had a pair? Hence, the official introduction of the wussification of
America.
This generation has seen umpteen hundreds of force fed euphemisms make their way
into every facet of spoken word and print, but the proverbial straw has just been placed.

The latest reality burying re-do:
War on Terror has now become Overseas Contingency Operation.
Suffice to say I will never use this term, ever, as long as I take in oxygen for any dialog
purpose except in example form when ranting. Also please do not confuse me with
someone that appreciated any label for this war, to wit: The Global War On Terror. They
all suck because they are all ambiguous, empty, misleading, sensationalistic and are
designed to do nothing more than to happily bundle a story with an easy to understand
heading.
I do however believe that this country has real and imminent enemies. I believe that the
war may be helping promote democracy; however it is a largely ineffective blunder with
regards to keeping the country safe from future attacks. The fact that not a single Iraqi
assisted in commandeering any of those 4 planes on September 11th leads this chowdah
head to assume that if any other agenda driven attack on this were to take place, that
voting booths in Baghdad is really not doing much to prevent it from becoming a reality.
This,is a reality that I will not allow to be buried under not-so-clever, but shameless and
insulting taglines being released from the new administration.

R.J.D.

Kill Your Television

Have you ever been in one of those moods where you’re completely, utterly annoyed, but there’s no
single reason? Just a million little things that decide to save themselves up for a random part of
anyday, USA, and you just happen to be in a completely intolerant mood to top it off? Of course you
have. You are employed, follow politics, and one of your closest debaters and friends is a hippie
huggin’ liberal that specializes in making you feel as though you have to justify your oxygen intake for
not subscribing to his fictional Green theories.
So what do you do? Watch the local news, of course.

One recent night at 10:00 p.m.,I studied a talking head whose first liftings from the teleprompter I did
not really hear, as I was entranced by the teeth caps and that hair. That freakin’ anchorman hair.
Enter the commonplace “pitbull molests neighbor’s cat and eats Hamburger Helper”, lead-in story.
Cut to “Jesse” ,the scraggly mustached guy in stained wife beater and even less clean #8 baseball
cap telling his version of the events in between long pulls off generic cigarette. Finish with the wide-
eyed blond co-anchor next to Ken Hair guy finishing the media masterpiece with the very original
“Such a shame Chad. Maybe keep a closer watch on your pet could help this situation. Next up, is
your tap water any better than puddle water? We put that question to the test at area daycare
centers.”

Cut to commercial of Sham Wow guy hawkin’ some cheesy food chopper that can effectively chop the
medley of a small boiled egg, a pecan, and a tic tac. The only redeeming part of this dude’s
shameless presence on the television is this line in this commercial, and I quote: “You’re gonna love
my nuts”.I am not making this up, it is a line in the commercial .that gets past the idiot censors.
Nobody says ding-dong diddly. Burger King however is being forced to yank ads promoting The
Texican burger for stereotyping a Mexican wearing one of those poncho blanket thingys. ”You’re
gonna love my nuts” gets a pass though.

Next, let’s buy $50.00 worth of commemorative Obama currency for $19.95 that is actual legal
tender. In Liberia, of course. Where it is legal currency…the amount of currency it converts to in
American dollars: 37 cents. The same scammers are hawking Sept.11 coins as well. That gets a pass
as well.(cuz that isn’t TOO offensive).

Back to you Chad!
Obama the Great wanting every dictator and American hating worldwide regime to embrace him; AIG
screwing soldiers out of benefits for lost limbs while the brass hobnobs at yet another gala tropical
sunsplashed event complete with Gulf Stream transportation and frolicking galore in the gentle trade
winds; high school hockey scores, and the precious lottery numbers….right after the break, of
course!

Enter Money Tree wanting over a 725% return on lending (yes, an actual figure allowed to the
maggots in certain states), the clowns that want to give you a 2002 Explorer with 110k miles on it,
regardless of your credit. They only ask for in return, 60%+ of your weekly paycheck every week, for
the next 2 years.
Cash 4 Gold wants you to send your gold jewelry in an envelope, no questions asked. After all, it’s
just your old junk gold(nudge,wink). Money back guaranteed. Of course that is only applicable if you
wish to wait the 2-3 weeks until they process you a check via snail mail, which you have the option of
not cashing. However, if you opt for the “Cash in your account within 24 hours option”, you are
screwed. There is a no refund policy here. This is simply due to the fact that they bank on most
people needing/wanting immediate compensation. Why else would anyone be stuffing their
grandmother’s pendants that she will never notice missing into an envelope and shipping it to some
mystery company that pinky swears you the best rates around for your “scrap” gold? Something tells
me that if Dante’s Inferno could be amended to be somewhat consistent with this generation, that a
10th circle would be added to include these tv swindlers, along with most prosperity evangelists as
well.

Back to you Laura!
And finally tonite, join us tomorrow night as our investigative series on Landscapers without PhDs
continues. We explore why some homeowners are up in arms over their Acapulco lily AND Elephant
garlic bulbs are being planted together intentionally by rogue existentialists. News Channel 27 On the
Spot Human Truth Seeking correspondent Bing Zeeblefester with have part twenty in his series of
73,566.
Unless of course you find all of this to be inherently meaningless, and choose instead to condemn
yourselves to freedom of absurdity altogether…by killing your television.

Back to you Sham Wow Guy!

Non-kinking hoses and other blatant lies.

7:30 on this Sunday morning and here I am trying my best to make a difference in
the world of songbirds. I enjoy the morning sunshine in the backyard, scrub the
algae from the birdbath, toss in a couple pre-1972 pennies to stave off algae
growth. I rid the due south area of feeding receptacle of cracked shells, moldy
clumps of indistinguishable organic matter, and petrified dog doo courtesy of one
canine varmint named Lola. To replenish said birdbath with fresh water, one would
assume to be an easy task. A no brainer. So easy, a Cleveland Cavalier could do it.
This is true, if one were to fetch the water from a sink inside and pour it in. But not
this time. No…this time, it was going to be different.
It all began in the summer of 2008. It was early June when I purchased a non-
kinking hose from Harry Weekender’s Disneyland of Do-It-Yourself. Upon getting
back to the estate and immediately attaching my 100 foot aqua schlong to the
spigot…I noticed a certain oddity about it’s appearance as I dragged it, full and
ready to spray. I ignore the visual (probably praying to anything that is holy that it is
not indeed what I think it is) and skip happily to my spot of watering. However;
when I squeezed the thingy to release the H20, nary a drop escaped from the spray
head. Let me preface my revelation by reminding the reader that emblazoned
proudly in large ass font across this hose packaging (significant and key element
to my purchasing of the item) are these words: “GUARANTEED NOT TO KINK”.
Upon walking 50 feet to the origin of impedance, my curiosity turned to disgust,
and then a slight fury. It was for someone like myself, a mental tsunami.
The hose was kinked.
THE *%(@#$ HOSE WAS KINKED!!!!
Ugh. Foiled again. Duped. Taken. Had. Done dry. I am angry mostly with myself, as I
stare in disbelief at this hose folded right in half. The absolution of being totally
screwed, defined… was right there in front of me. “All coiled up and hissin’”…
No, I did not disconnect and wrap the hose up and return it 15 miles away. This is
simply not an option. I refuse to take that course, and I instead to torment myself
throughout the entire rest of the summer, and now into this season. That was until
this morning. When I slayed the rubber serpent. Said hose decided that it was not
going cooperate with my really groovy, shiny, spray head that cost me a double
sawbuck. Said hose was equipped with brass threaded ends attached to it’s
rubber supposed non-kinking body. They also were guaranteed. Guaranteed to
thread tightly, to seal to any spray head without sidespraying or leakage. The
second big lie. I apply pipe dope to the threads, grab a couple of channel lock
pliers ,and twist tightly. I unkink my non-kinking hose, turn on the spigot, and just
perfect. A steady stream of cold water shoots directly from the hose/head
connection and into my face and chest as though the entire episode were
previously scripted and arranged by friends with hidden cameras. Since I don’t
really have any friends, and I didn’t see any place where there may be obscured
video cameras rolling, it was at this precise moment that I remembered an ancient
Eskimo legend wherein it is written, on whatever it is that they write on up there,
that if anything bad ever happens to your psyche as a result of some sort of
conflict with any crappy and fraudulently marketed lawn accessory, the only way to
get it fixed up is to go trudgin’ cross the yard, into the garage and retrieve sharp
hand axe and kill the pain ,at it’s source, of which I did. The end result? Lizzy
Borden would have thought it to be excessive.
The pain is gone, the sky seems bluer, the sun warmer, the flowers are more
vibrant than the day before.
Think I’ll go to Waffle House.

Stimulate this.

Why do some Americans worry so much about U.S./worldwide sustainability?
It's largely due to constant "the sky is falling" grand standing. We constantly
hear a litany of how the environment is in poor shape. Natural resources are
running out. Population is growing, leaving less and less to eat. Species are
becoming extinct in vast numbers. Forests are disappearing. The planet's air
and water are getting ever more polluted. To make it simple: our mere
existence and actions are defiling the earth — and as it does so, humanity
may end up killing itself.
There is, however, one problem: this litany is not supported by the evidence.
Man made hysteria designed to do nothing more than further agenda driven
idealogies. If I am wrong...call me on the red phone, and tell me how I am
wrong. And please, have hard data from real reports from independent studies
and commisions...not blogs from Move On dot org, or Soros funded studies
put forth by hack pseudo-scientists.
There is however, real evidence to this point: When people drill for oil....they
find oil! So, my contributing idea to the betterment of life in the good ol' U.S.
of A? Start drillin'. Drill everywhere. Go Jed Clampett with the other
mountaineers,go Nanook on the frozen tundra, go oilin' in Houston. Just drill!
Of course the logistics are such that it would take 8 years for any prospective
refinery to spit out a gallon of premium, but so what? It's a tangible plan. It's an
idea that has great legs (like Tiger's little honeys. Yes, a double down on that
reference,for those of you keeping score). We just hafta flip a collective bird
to these fake experts known as environmentalists, and get that hydraulic bit
into the dirt, even if it does kill a few worms and that rare blind mole that feeds
only on that one bug there that crawls into your ear when you are camping and
lays eggs that hatch when you are 18 and off to college resulting in liberal
dimentia and uncontrolled thoughts of socialistic idealogies. At least it will
lower gas prices and put far more money into the pockets of Americans,
hence spiking the economy, creating more jobs, and perhaps even indirectly...
paving the way for Zoupwerks to re-invent the fast food nation.
That is my stimulus plan.

Question:
Why are the Grammy's still being broadcast, and who cares? The record
industry,that's who. Oh, and the over produced,under talented,spot on
marketed personalities that actually believe that they deserved a win. The
Grammy's are an industry joke. A promotional machine to honor the worst
of the most popular. Janis Joplin never received a Grammy-Britney
Spears has.
Not a single Neil Young song has ever gained a Grammy, but "My Humps"
by the Black Eyed Peas did.
This is why Tool decided to go jam out a small bar 2000 miles away for
free, when they were slated to pick up a stupid statue.
Remember Zooropa from the awful albeit hugely popular U2? That album
was thrown together in under 60 days as a reluctant contractual
fulfillment. Dissent from the band to the label motivated them to
(admittedly), slap together the worst piece of crap imaginable, throw a title
on it, and offer it up to the execs. It won a friggin' Grammy that year.
Bono's acceptance speech went a lil' sumpin'
like this: (holding high the Grammy statue)"This is living proof that you can
f*#@ with this industry and totally get away with it".
End of speech. Even he knew.
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The Dead, Diana Ross, Tupac, Zeppelin, Marley, The Who ,The Doors,
Hendrix, Queen, Buddy Holly. Each a dominant force in the history of
recorded music, yet non-Grammy winners. They are also my Top 10
Reasons Not To Acknowledge The Grammys.